Let’s face it—losing is hard. Whether you miss a promotion at work or suffer a defeat on the soccer field, you have to face the reality that another person or team has done better than you (or your team.) This is something we wrestle with throughout our lives, but the struggle is actually something to be embraced, rather than avoided. Youth sports is one area where losing is not handled well.

From the Beginning:

How do we, as a culture, view losing? Unfortunately, our society views all losses as shameful and embarrassing. Because of this, we’ve created a youth sports culture of participation trophies and “everybody wins” programs. As Ashley Merryman writes in the New York Times, these win-win programs could actually be hindering the development of young athletes, rather than benefitting them.

One of the detriments of win-win sports programs is that they avoid the reality of losing, thus failing to equip young athletes to face losses in the future. This avoidance produces a notion that losing is unnatural and shameful. Furthermore, Merryman touts that this view of losing can produce unfavorable character traits in young athletes, from a lack of perseverance to a mentality that cheating is greater than failing. These ends are not desirable, but in order to change things, we must make some difficult adjustments.

Claiming the Loss:

How can we cultivate a healthy view of losing in youth sports? Culture change cannot take place until youth sports leaders create a culture that accepts and embraces loss. Change can come in many forms, from abolishing participation trophies to recognizing weaknesses and failures in young athletes. Such changes will benefit young athletes greatly.

In his article about avoiding loss with the “mercy rule,” Jake Karton explains that losing is a part of life, and avoiding losses can leave young athletes ill-prepared to face losses in other areas of life. Karton notes that learning to lose can actually help us learn to win, or at least help us see areas that need to be improved for personal and athletic development.

The Next Step and Beyond:

As loss-avoidance customs—such as participation trophies—are discarded, new incentives should be added to give young athletes something to work toward. Merryman notes that some awards, such as “most improved” or “best sportsmanship,” are beneficial, but the focus should be on awarding hard-work and achievement over simply showing up to play. This is not a case of choosing favorites—it is simply recognizing those who excel—something that is done in all other areas of life.

Selective awards help instill desirable character traits in young athletes. Young athletes learn to celebrate others’ achievements, rather than harboring jealousy or resentment when others perform better. How can youth sports leadership foster positive character development and encourage life-skills training for young athletes? By recognizing losses as a valuable learning tool rather than a tragedy.

What to do with Winning:

How highly should winning be regarded in youth sports? It’s a question that comes up often and has many defenders on both sides. In one corner are coaches and parents, who assert that winning is the most important aspect of the game and should be achieved at any cost. Others state that winning should be the least important aspect, and fun or skill building should be at the forefront. With such differing opinions, what do we do with winning?

Avoid Over-valuing or Under-valuing Winning:

                In an article from Rutgers University, David Feigley, Ph. D, asserts that we must be careful to avoid the extremes of over-valuing or under-valuing winning. Over-valuing winning can cause teams to perform unethically, through cheating or the like, or by benching certain players so that the stars can win the game, diminishing team participation and comradery. It’s easy to see how this view can be dangerous. No one wants to see their child’s youth program shrouded in unethical behavior. Furthermore, no parent wants to see their child sit the bench for the sake of a win. This could also foster misinformed notions of success, as noted by Michael Clark at Michigan State University. If we over-value winning, then we have the tendency to ascribe personal success or failure based on team achievement.

On the other hand, under-valuing winning could also have adverse effects. As Feigley points out, without striving to win, you are left with something less than sports. A desire to win is a necessary characteristic of a sport. Without competition, youth sports turn to something of a lab, where students are only learning skills but are not applying those skills to their fullest expression. An exaggerated example helps here. Imagine the 2020 summer Olympics. The runners set up for the 400m dash. The gun fires. The runners finish. Seems familiar, right? Now imagine that no time is recorded, and each runner receives a gold medal. You may be left thinking, “What was the point of the grueling training and strict diet?” There would be no point to push yourself, because it wouldn’t matter whether you were first or last.

From these conclusions, it is easy to see that both over-valuing and under-valuing winning are sub-par philosophies when it comes to winning, and that somewhere in the middle is the most effective. However, then the problem becomes: what does the middle ground really look like?

One Solution: Individual Growth as Team Success:

                I’m confident that there is no “one size fits all” plan that works for every team, and that different team dynamics and culture will shape the best solution for your team. However, taking a cue from individual sports, such as running or the long-jump, could help better focus team success and over-all ability to reach this middle ground.

As an average long-distance runner, I never go into a marathon or half-marathon thinking, “I’m going to win this race!” What I focus on is performing my best—better than I have previously. I still desire achievement, and I certainly enjoy the feeling of passing others, but I am truly only competing against myself. My “win” over a previous time, or my overall performance in a race is the true measure of my victory or defeat.

This equates to team sports by focusing on overall individual improvement as a way for the team to win more games. This view requires coaches and parents to allow for more individual focus on each player, enabling these young athletes to thrive in their sport. In baseball, this may take the shape of a parent joining his or her child at the batting cages to improve the child’s hitting, or a coach being willing to meet with athletes before or after practice for additional fielding drills. The key is to promote individual success with the collective goal of more wins for your youth sports team.